What am I Supposed to Daydream About Now?

I have everything I've wanted, a want to live, an intense enjoyment of life. I often feel like I could die, like it's almost greedy to keep living. I am constantly becoming happier and more layered and more complex and it sounds like a bad thing and sometimes it is but it's good and it just is. it doesn't need to be anything else. 

I used to daydream about being where I am, and it feels so logical, so natural to be here, to take business calls while cooking lunch, to talk to clients, to say 'oh sorry I can't that day, I'll be shooting on location', to share my calendar with people who want to see me, to have an intern who is eager to help me. This last one I never even dreamed of. This is what happens when you put yourself out there. I've found my balance, my rhythm, and what now? 

I've struggled with feeling very dubious of happiness, like I didn't deserve it, it always felt suspicious. A build-up just to crash even more spectacularly afterwards. 

But this is different. I've gone through the first one, I've worked, I've fought to see that I am worthy of happiness, that it doesn't need to be a bad omen. This one isn't leaving, I'm not scared of it leaving, I'm okay with it flowing through me, I don't chase it, it just occurs, everyday. 

I have a kitchen floor to lie on, a sun to bask in, rivers to visit, trees to kiss, a balcony from which to look at people, people to tell my mom cooking me an egg anecdote. And it feels special every single time. 

As I am writing this I am getting up periodically to feed myself fresh tomatoes, listening to Janelle Monae, sitting on the windowsill with the sky turning pink around my head, I am wearing cacti and cherry socks, wearing clothes I made with skills that took humanity millenia to develop and they are all at my fingertips, friends bringing me prosecco before we go dance our hearts out while holding each others hands, shoulders, waists, hips, I don't want anything else. I am content, beyond amazed and since this seems to be my new standard, what I am supposed to strive towards? What am I meant to daydream about?

Maybe I crashed spectacularly to be at the top now. I remember the climb, but I have muscles again now, it's become second nature, my heart was broken. Open. The universe poured love and beauty into it. It still hurts sometimes. 

I'm just so baffled and grateful to still be around.

And sometimes this peace and harmony fills me to the limit of my skin and pours out and I feel empty. Blank. Am I burning out? And my achievements don't really mean much to me anymore as the biggest achievement of all is being here, being happy. It worries me to not have this accomplished feeling anymore from my career. I think it is what got me here, now. And maybe that is all it needed to do, and I can let it go. It feels weird to not have an end goal. To just exist. Letting it go means letting go of a big part of myself. Becoming everything you want to be will cost you everything you ever were. 

And it is time to let go.